it is what it is

so uhh yeah its been like a year i dunno so whats going on with me??? ...well i finally got a new job love it i lease apartments!! yeah me!!! umm i think i mat and are seriously done this time i dont want to be but it is what it is i think hes moved on anyway some little chick hes all flirty dirty with calling him and crap it sucks ....i finally got my license too and a car its like everything i could ask for is happening except im not with mat and it kinda makes every thing else almost suck ("how to save a life" just came on ad it just happens to be the song i tie to losing mat weird huh actually happens a lot must be ment to be) well what ever screw him my life is the stuff right now and i am determined to be happy!!!!!! school is kinda awesome i dont really like my classes except art but its something to do i guess i still have no clue what i wanna be when i get older and its starting to suck im so nerves like what am i gonna do when im too old to use school as something to do????

okay so i was randomly typeing in words to search on google because i am just having a bad day and i feel like poo so i figured if i found a few cool pics maybe i would feel better so i looked up the word swing and i found this really cool swing in toronto called the secret swing and honestly there is nothing i want to do more in life right now like if somebody asked me what i want to do before i die it would be go to secret swing nothing less nothing more because quite frankly at this particular moment nothing else even matters and im not quite sure how to take that the bad part is i really cant find anyone i would want to do it with i honestly would rather go by myself i am so fed up with pretty much everyone i know and there half assed excuses on shit dude just be honest and leave me alone but i got some cool pictures of it though the swing that is theres like a little story to it and everything and where its located is really cool because theres like all this awesome graffiti on the walls its just like this really artsy place and i just really wanna go you know how people are like i really wanna see paris and shit well this is my paris! 

Perfections Brightest Hue

 

He could be everything and more

Everything going for him

Walking through successes door

He’s got his whole life figured out to a tee

A perfect pattern

But all that wouldn’t matter

 

He could be the perfect description

Cute as could be

All that and a bag of chips

With his world revolving around me

All I could ever ask for

All I’d ever need

And all the while he’d be nothing to me

 

In my right mind he’d be my night’s moon

Even if I weren’t going crazy

He still wouldn’t compare to you

 

You exceed the limits of every scale created

Just the thought of you makes me feel elated

Your very being indeed fills a void

I don’t think if given the chance

I could make a better choice

 

It’s in the voice

Of you that lets me know

I’m stuck like glue

Because you’re not the average guy

No typically spectrum blue

Can’t name you a color

But I know you’d be

Perfections brightest hue

Yea ...that sounds like you

so first off i just feel like a loser today for what ever reason i was thinking about the word "sucks" and i went oh shit i forgot but it was really funny... anyway my friend dan who is on my facebook sends me a comment like i got excepted into "some school for art" i cant remember the name so sue me so anyway hes all like i learned everything i know from you and im sitting there like so why am i at ccbc with a bullshit job and no money not knowing what the hell i am doing so then i went to art class and theres this girl amanda and her life is life so fuckin bangtastic right now i could scream she just got a scholarship to her dream school and shes on the verger of getting a record deal and not to mention shes even losing weight why are all of her dreams coming true!! i am so happy for her & dan dont get me wrong i just wish i was all happy and excited about life i dont even want to teach anymore i mean what the hell do i look like teaching i could do it as a here and there thing but i doubt i could do it like every day i think its just the schooling thats got me discouraged this is so gay but anyway i am kinda looking into design dont ask me what kind because i dont freakin know i want to design furniture but i suck at carpentry well i actually havent tried but anything with big dangerous tools just screams not for ashley so yea i kinda wanna do like commercial crap and have an office and like the sexy work outfit and all that stuff but thats like a fantasy i just dont have any faith in my self i feel like a failure imma lazy bum!!!!!!! i dunno im just not ready for this and i feel like i should be i look at everone else and see how well they are doing and im like dude that should be me!  i just suck so yeah thats all somebody send me some confidence or some shit!! 

okay so me and mat had a great time easter we spent pretty much the whole day together awesome crap you know so he went to work and i stayed at his house and chilled with his fam a little and then i was kinda just in the basement by myself so i was on the computer for a while and came across a few things i just didnt want to so yeah that sucked so later that night we were at my house and i kinda just coudnt get it outta my mind along with some other crap and i felt like kinda stupid in the relationship so after he left  i sent him a text saying i needed to talk and he called and everything is all gravy i love the fact that after being all scared that i found out talking to him is not really as hard as it used to be he really is changing for the better 

anyway enough about him i got more hours at work so thats good im gonna try and work a babies-r-us and i guess sorta stay at michaels as like a weekend thing i dunno i have way to many close friends there to just leave i mean whats better than getting payed to basically hang out all day??

so ive been really trying to get up on my art stuff ive been really into trees and the womans body which by the way has my boyfriend thinking im a lesbo and i guess it doesnt help that i told him i wanna marry this girl he hangs out with for her cool ass last name!!, i kissed his sister, and i told him i liked the picture of mya's ass he has on his myspace but its all a joke i'm not a lesbo seriously but i cant wait to kinda use trees and women to make some sick ass work i cant wait i have so many ideas and maybe i will post a few pics of it if i ever actually finish it

Okay the best part about today was probably in drawing class when for what ever reason the word soliloquy popped into my head. I'm almost positive there was a really good reason but i just don't remember.  So I'm thinking about this funny ass word and that old jay-z song pops in my head "jigga what? jigga who?" You know the one with that chick amilion or whatever the heck.  So instead of jigga i said solilo it goes like this 

solilo what? (do you think you can roll with me?)
solilo who? (recognize yall s to da quy!)

that shit was hella funny ya dig?!? lol

So the mist of my banging ass rap skills i was observing this guy mike in my class he is so cool but weird at the same time and he has great taste in music i dont know if anyone else does this but a lot of the times certain people will catch my eye and i just wanna find out as much about them as possible without actually talking to them just outta curiosity so i mean i know this is weird but i figured like he had some terminal illness (i really hope this isn't true) because he was just so care free you know more than the average person but at the same time he was really aware if everyone elses feelings really cool guy seriously 

i didnt really see mat much this week he seems kinda distant its probably just me because i kinda feel that way mostly because there is way to much i haven't said to him that i should but wont because i dont feel like arguing or because i think he will just hide the whole situation from me in the long run im starting to feel like why am i in this relationship anyway  ... mat and me played the funniest joke on aryelle we stole her car she was freakin out sooo bad it was hilarious ... but seriously i need to stop being such a bitch about him and just say whats on my mind what the fuck i mean whats the worse that can happpen we break up?? well if i dont say shit we're going to anyway i just think there are a lot of things we really kind of avoided and should have worked on before we got back into this relationship and it kinda sucks and the worse part is i have no idea how he feels about us right now

my sister said she was gonna move out i was kinda happy but more sad i dont think she is going to anymore but if she did i think i would die especially because da'veon would have to go with her and i need them two. you know? i mean shes my best friend not much to show for it but sometimes i feel like shes all i got i can't really talk to her about anything but you know how you just have that bond with someone?? and da'veon is plain and simple my happiness if i didnt have him here right now i would be miserable he is the only person that actually makes me feel like i am cared about sad because i have a boyfriend but i mean seriously he just smiles at me and every bad thing just goes away i remember when mat used to do that and he still does i just i dunno it was really weird because my daddy came into my job the other night and he looked at me that same way i almost cried seriously i went home and wrote a poem about it on my sheets (i dunno why i always write on my sheets guess i just dont like paper) 

i found out i'm not failing psych so thats good news drawing class is great too

why is it that when i try to have a nice lunch by myself some weird guy always has to come up to me and hit on my eww!! i really hate when guys hit on me there always so corny and just plain annoying "hey sweetheart you wanna sit with me" or "you know you could come sit with me" ya know what!!!! if i wanted to flippin sit with you i would have. i eat alone for a reason!!! was that mean?? i mean it would be fine if it were just some guy looking for a friend because  up until the point he tried to hit on me he was cool i mean we talked laughed and everything i think i give off the impression that i dont have a boyfriend i mean is there a way for girls to act when they have a boyfriend?? i dunno i just wish i could make a decent guy friend with out him tryna get the digets lol i just wanna know if its really possible. 

i am so excited about my new layout that i just had to add a new entry. so lets see whats new?? well nothing really umm my hair is starting to grow on me but i still cant wait until it grows out. i really need a new job but im too much of a scared bitch to just quit and find a new one. im afraid that if i actually had the hours that i want i would be way to overwelmed i mean i feel a little overwelmed now and thats just sad.omg today at lunch i have never been so overwlemed by a group pf people in my life like seriously there was this big ass group of higschoolers that strolled in and it was like hundreds of them i literally like kinda fell weak into my chair it was so weird like it was almost as if i were afraid of this group of higschoolers or some shit crazy!!  

so yesterday started off stupid fucked. i was so pissed that i didnt get to go to the aquarium with j, bam, and charrisa (i hope i spelled her name right) i heard it was really fun and i was stuck in the flippin house watchin the regular drop bys (denon,d.g., and dre)  walk around. i spent most of the time fussing with denon. i cant help it he just picks at you until you just have to yell you know. i also watched my sister glue tracks into her friends hair i must say it was quite entertaining i almost wanted one because it came out really cute. i think i would do anything to just have another hair style right now although its not that bad right now i like straightened it and it looks a lot better.  i kinda want some more long twists like i had it in like november december or when ever that was everyone liked it that way but mat but he likes my hair in a pony tail so his opinion is naul and void but they where pretty hard to sleep with. i just need my hair in a style where i dont have to do it everyday. but on with my day i was pretty much bored the rest of the night until i got a phone call from marissa (mats sister) she was looking for a club to go out to because her and her friends were home for spring break and had never been to a baltimore club so i named a few places and they ended up choosing paradox (which is like baltimores most ghetto club but i always have fun lol) and its like 5 dollars before 12 so i was like hell i have to go someplace today so i called up aryelle and found some clothes and we all met at the club it was so much fun it was soo damn funny to because i didnt want to dance with anyone so marrisa pretended to be my girlfriend to scare of guys so this one guy was like kiss her then on the lips so i ended up making out with my boyfriends sister what the hell all just to not dance with some high/drunk guy at the club( the sad part is the guys there are so bad it  was actually worth it) i mean i was fine with just pretending feeling her up a bit because we were just like over hugging but i must admit the kiss was a little much but it was just a peck and i love her as if she were my own sister so it wasnt really a big deal shes a lot of fun hell all of us where a lot of fun i was surprised aryelle danced around marrisas friends because shes usually really shy but those guys get worse and worse its like rediculous and this one really drunk guy followed us around all night at first it was kinda funny but then he got really annoying because he was like all in my face and he like smacked me in the ass i got pissed and he apologized its just sad how high and drunk all those guys get there getting all pissed off because a girl wont dance with them one guy actually pushed marissa. ass fuck!! and this one guy like grabbed me 27 times not to mention he came back grabbing everyone else i was with some guys are jerks seriously what the flippin hell!! but all in all it was a great night it was nice to see marrisa its been like a year and her friends were really nice and it was really nice to just get out especially after being so pissed for not being to go out earlier. 

so yeah, work was sooo flippin boring!! i was all alone and there was nothing to do because the store was like empty but we did get out a 9:10. heck yeah baby!!! so on my bored adventure i took hella pics in the bathroom that i look really bad in but apparently my phone takes really big pictures i actually had to shrink them











so yeah oh and i found some other cute ones too









oh and i found this one from when we went to play putt putt its really cool bam has like glowing eyes or some spit well they are golf balls but i really love this picture so fun so bam!!!




oh yeah ...uhh my boyfriend is a ninja!!




with some sharp ass shoulders!!! lol

okay so today i sat there and did flippin 6 hours of homework and i feel like poo!! i officially hate drawing class its evil!!!! then i was lookin through all my old pics and i was literally slapping myself for cuttin my hair and im usually the one going its just hair it will grow back well i want it now!!!! i hate my hair so bad it hurts when i do it, it only lasts for like a day and now my ponytail looks like poo because its dumb short and i cant even fit it in a bun help me!!! i am seriously considering a track (ambra: i got some track upstaighs <-i know i spelled it wrong thats just how she says it lol)

on a better note i gained 6 pounds!!i feel good about it only because i used to weigh 111 which by the way was 4 pounds less than i did when i was 12 and im dang near 20 thats just weird we are supposed to grow not shrink i want to weigh like 120 because 117 is just a weird number and i think i have a mild case of o.c.d. one time i stuffed my self with tostinos because i didnt want to have an odd number of them ..thats when i realized i had a problem

mat said he had a whole bunch of milky ways for me so im all pumped to get them unless that was a joke and if it was im gonna kill him thats just like messed up to play with my emotions like that mostly because i looooove milky ways last year he bought me like 10 and it almost cried lol ..what a loser you most think i am

there is this guy or girl on here in the art group that i am in and they have this really freaky/bangtastic picture in one of those old school gas masks in a bath tub ..its really cool

i think its funny how bam will call or text me like blankedy blank on channel 2 and i just know its channel 12 and channel 13 is really 23 and 11 is really 21 i feel like one of those under cover detectives mostly cause im retarded!!

"if you aint got no money take your broke ass home!!" yeah fergie!!

and you know what i just realized bam says butt munch too i thought i was the only one who got that but im not alone

"you are not alone i am here with you..." yeah micheal jackson!!

this is really random i know but who cares right?

i am really pissed cause my phone died i didnt even get a warning i was jammin with bam to hella old songs and i was getting down right at mid sentence and it just turned off im like hello are you listening to me at first i thought it was like a joke so im like bam?? are you there then im like hellooooooooo still talking to her im a idiot but yeah i felt like sharing i should be asleep so goodnight buh-bye!!!

so this adorable little freshman just up and sat at my table today (good thing cause i was looking mighty lonely lol) he was flippin adorable he had this long curly hair like kinda dirty blond and brown color and he just started talking to me and the first thing i though was holy poo he looks like lindsay so i guess he looked a bit girlie well i dunno hes just a kid so i was listening to my headphones hes like what are you listening to lil jon? omg i burst into laughter it was so funny he was like i like lil jon psh i get crunk and he did this little dance i almost died he was just too cute and his friend was all in the background like why are you so random?? he was the coolest mo fo i ever met in my life he said he was home schooled which totally amazed me because his conversation skills were bangtastic but i mean thats kinda stereotypical of me to think he wouldnt be i kinda wanna look him up on myspace he was just that cool lol i know im a loser
 yo guy that i call chuck you totally made my day!!!

It's been like forever and three months since i've updated this thing and boy has it been crazy i mean i dont even feel like i know myself sometimes but lets see where do i start how bout today and then what ever comes to mind

so last night mat came over and we watched movies and ate pizza and you know did boyfriend girlfriend stuff im happy that we are finally back together but you know how stuff still feels weird i dunno i think its just me. hes been great lately seriously i was really happy to see him because he said he had to work but he came and surprised me anyway he can be really sweet gosh i love him!!! after the movie and stuff we fell asleep on the couch it was so funny because we fought over the blanket for like an hour only for him to go "why dont you just share with me?" i hate sharing the blanket with him on the couch because he always takes up all the space so this time i pulled a bam (like at marys on her birthday!!) on him hahah i tossed and turned and i think i flung an arm on him a leg too he ended up yelling at me in the morning but i thought it was funny hes so cute when he sleeps he balls up like a little baby i wish i took pictures!! he left that morning all pissed because he was fussing with his mom hes always fussing with someone that boy needs anger management

my boyfriend


i really miss my mikeys crew it feels like its been forever since we hung out and they are really fun to be around i love it!! first theres bam who is just the sweetest person ever honestly ive never seen more caring people than her and mary shes become seriously like one of my bestfriends i can honestly tell her anything and its nice to have a friend like that you know not to mention she loves passions just as much if not more than i do i think she would be great to watch tv with and then there is mary she is just awesome it seems like we have alot in commen shes a really nice girl and her mom and grandma i just fell in love with like seriously they are so cute especially her grandma with her little dog who is just perfect for her and then there is j gosh i love that kid he is just like i dunno how to explain it its like when you think about him you just go i love him cause hes just great i love those guys so much like dead ass i really do

my bam
 

my mary


my j


umm what else is there ...so today i was watching my thursday night line up two episodes of smallville and then greys anatomy and like the whole time i had this big urge to just just cry im still tryna figure out if its because maredeth is like dead or if im just breaking down this week has been like totally bull crud with a lot of sorta good points it just feels so wasted first off i hate flippin snow because it just makes life so hard i called outta work monday to do homeword only to get all the way to school th next day for class to be cut short i think i was there all of 20 mins not to mention i waited on the bus stop in the snow storm for like 40 mins and i didnt even sit in the dang class long enough for my toes to melt then i didnt got to school today because of mat (which was dumb of me in the first place) and becasue my teacher wouldnt have been there because of the snow i just feel like im wasting my life away like what the hell am i doing my job sucks butt i work like one day a week school is stressing me out i dunno life is just to much right now and i feel like i have no idea what im doing wiht anything work school my boyfriend my friends and i just broke down in my room crying like i was at a funeral rocking back and forth praying that my mother wouldnt walk in because i had no idea what i would tell her if she asked what was wrong i just have that out of place feeling like everything is great (except my job) but it all just feels so wrong somebody please understand me!!

i was watching gilmore girls today and there is something really weird about how they all talk on that show its like they all talk really fast with no breaks between dialoge as if the whole show shared this really long run on sentence that has no tone change at all and it freaked me out so bad i watched the whole show just to listen to it 
 
 

so tell me how crazy this shit is ...i get a phone call from mat last night and he's beyond drunk and we're talking im mostly laughing at him cause hes yelling "and shit" after like every sentence. so some how we get on the conversation of me and him. oh i remember now, he thought i was with another guy because he herd the tv in the background. so hes like who is that i herd a nigga im like mat thats the tv. so hes like it better be cause your my girl and i'll fuck a nigga up if he tried to get at you. im like mat im not your girl friend (and then im thinking to myself "and that was his choice") so he goes on and on about how he loves me and he knows im the one hes gonna marry and have a family with and im almost in tears because i thought he was over me. i had been feeling the same way but i wasnt gonna tell him especially cause i thought he was talking to other girls id look like a fuckin idiot. so now im all dumb happy just to know how he really feels. like you should have herd all the sweet stuff he was saying and then i come home to see hes put a girlfriend app. out on myspace?!?? he prolly has no idea he even said that shit to me because of how drunk he was. it just sucks because i feel all dumb, stuck in love with him for him to want to be out having fun being scared of commitment. he actually told me that was the reason he had broken up with me. and all this time i thought it was my fault. this shit is driving me nuts!?!? but god i love him ..i really really do.

oh and at work today the cutest old man came in a and made my day i was almost at tears with frustration from diane she drives me nuts!!!!! so he came and told me all these jokes haha im still laughin from them its just nice to know there are people out there with pure hearts that are just nice for no reason i love that old guy where ever you are your the shit!!!

its so weird how you go through like this ridiculously terrible time and then one simple day everything just seems okay. so today i woke up took a shower, you know the usual and i went to the bus stop headed for work. i thought i missed it cause i was in the bathroom for like an hour trying to fix my terrible hair. lord have mercy! but i got to the bus stop and the 19 rode up and this woman hands me a bus pass im like hells yes i get a free ride!! so i got on the bus and got to work and jackie called me. i told her about how life was so wonderfully turning around for me after i realized i was getting used to this whole "friendship" thing with you know who. i think i will actually like being friends with him if i just stop caring about what hes doing and who hes doing it with. ive come to the conclusion we arent going to be together and that is actually a good thing but i really do hope we will always stay friends because his friendship means the world to me. anyway back to my day so i go to work and theres this big ass thing of dough nuts. i was soo happy cause i was hungry. i ate like three off them. they were the cream filled ones my fav!!!! so work was pretty good i saw mike and j-remz he had me dieing off how he screamed at the little meowing kid in the grudge haha that was a real knee slapper and he gave me a blue icy. life is wonderful!!! all of my costumers were super nice too. i met the nicest people today and they made me ohhh so happy. this one lady was like soo damn bubbly it was kinda funny. oh yeah and anna may came back!!!!!! so yeah that was great and kathy from framing closed so we got out hella early. hells yes!!! mama didnt know i was at work so i had to wait for her to come get me but no big deal. i got home and got some text messages from denon he made me feel cared about thanks dude!! and i finally actually got to have a full out convo with my debbie cakes. damn getting in tuch with her is hard!!! so that was really nice. oh and the weirdest thing happened to me when i got on myspace. i got this comment from cari and it was like yay so im like what?!?! apparently someone talk to alicia last night. i dont know who but it wasnt me. they said that we should hang out it was pretty damn weird because after going to church and like really thinking things over i realized what an ass i had been through that whole situation and i had been wanting to message her but i was too scared. but im really glad she did mix me up with who ever cause now we're cool. hope it lasts oh and what is better than miami ink. yes it came on and i finally caught it!!! i alway miss it but today i caught it. it was great!!! im so dang happy right now i hope it lasts!!! woo hoo!!! ;o oww!! <---hahah its the face

it was a fairly good day today i went to the trinidad festival thing with ary it wad okay i prolly woulda had more fun if i actually put myself into it i wish marissa was there she seems like the i like to buggie down and i dont give a shit whos watching type ary is definantly not but thats all good we still took a couple cute pics besides me mushroom hair it was cute at first but humidity isnt really my friend but after that i went home to find my nephew crying like some one wanted to kill him he woke up after ambra put him to sleep and mama didnt hear him so i took him and we chilled then mat called im trying to get used to this whole just friends thing youd think id be used to it by now its been a month or two but technically not really the way i see it its been 10 days seeing as thats the last time whatever was whatever if you get my flow ..but anyway he came over to play with him i swear that is the cutest thing ever in life i love to see them two together yeah mat has a semi sensitive side hes all like "i think i could be a dad" im like hell no thinking to myself hes like "ill just get them around this age (10 months) the mother can deal with it before then" hes such an ass and he has so much to learn but its still so cute how they were playing and stuff so i guess this friend thing will do or im gonna have to make it but i'll love him till the end of time together or not

so my life long dream was to be some sort of artist/ art teacher i was kinda in denile like hell no thats never gonna really happen but now im like fuck yes im all for it so i wrote to my old art teacher from phs i fuggin love her she is beyond the shit!! and she gave me a few pointers of what i should do school wize so imma do ccbc and then transfer to towson!!! i wanted to go to mica hella bad cause i here its the best art school but wtf if i can save money and still live my dream fugg mica (im sorry)so anyway she said i can come and like sit in and see if i really like it and everything i cant fuggin wait this is gonna be a great year for me i can feel it!!

im kinda new at this here thing its kinda like blogging on myspace and everybody knows i love to do that besides drawing and what not i write to get out what is basically driving me crazy lately lifes been looking up i finally let out a lot that i had been holding in for ever see i broke up with a certain someone and lord knows thats not what i wanted but the longer im not with him the more i realize dude it wasnt going to last it just wasnt right you know? as a friend the guy is beyond fugging awesome but the plain and simple truth is he aint boyfriend material theres too much he feels he needs to hide mostly because theres too much he and i dont agree with and theres too much he aint ready to lose yet well the way i see it he has a crush on a certain someone and he is determined to let me think other wise why i dont know but i know he likes her im not an idiot but he really must think i am slowly but surely i will get over him but for what ever the reason right now i feel like if he were to ask me back id say yes in a heart beat knowing it wouldnt be right but hey thats love for ya